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Cheng's universe8月29日 Biography************************************************************
* Suddenly becomes so lazy to update my personal website. So *
* I decided to move my biography here and write on. Hehe :) *
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Birth and Kindergarten in ShouXian
I was born in 1986 in ShouXian, China. It’s a small town no larger than a couple of square kilometers. I am not proud of my birth at all. My father wanted a second child after having my sister (which is against the birth control law in China) simply because of the old Chinese conventional idea of passing down the family name! To justify my existence, my aunt, who at that time never even had a boyfriend, sacrificed her reputation under the highly conservative and dogmatic social environment by acknowledging me as her son. And that was on the legal record for six years. I was raised by my grandparents and my aunt in ShouXian until I was six. They raised me with great love and care. My aunt treated me as, is not better then, her own child, without even a slightest resent and regret in her decision. Together they created such a warm family environment. I was happier than most children raised by their own parents.
My grandfather was the principal of a middle school. We lived inside the school, in a neighborhood of middle school teachers. They are all my grandfather’s friends. People were very friendly in this small community. Under the loving care of my grand parents and my aunt, I was very outgoing, confident and therefore very popular amount the neighbors. I visit the neighbors quite often, and they would treat me with snacks and such. The days in ShouXian went by in a blink of an eye. It has given me a lot of good times. For me, ShouXian is the best place anywhere in China.
Ever since when I was young, I was easily fascinated by mechanical devices. I frequently break down my toys and electronics just to see what were inside and why they work. Curiosity is a character I have even today. I was a huge fan of projectile toys such as sling shot and toy rifle. I even make my own toys such as bows and arrows from my grand father’s huge bamboo broom. The chickens fed by my grandmother became my primary targets, because my toys did not have the precision to shoot birds or the power to enrage dogs. I had lots of fun never the less
Years in Nanjing
With the start of my elementary school education, I moved to NanJing, the capital city of Jiangsu. It is a big city with a population of 6 million. Unfortunately, moving to NanJing is more of a bad thing to me. It’s mainly because that I start living with my parents instead of my grand parents. Initially I was very excited. However as time pass, living with parents gradually become less and less attractive than I imagined. Comparing to the smiley couple who visited me now and then when I was in ShouXian, my parents are so different when I live with them. My father only believes in discipline and punishment. I can’t forget one day on the apartment balcony I saw my dad whipping my nine year old sister with an electric cable. And my sister, whom till that moment I have only seen smiling, was in tears begging for forgiveness. As for me, I noticed that the positive encouragements I used to get are gradually replaced by harsh criticisms. One day after I got so frustrated while learning writing Chinese characters, I made a big cross on my note book with my pencil. For only that, that electric cable start beating on me, who at the time was only 7 years old. To reach his goal on us, my dad would use any method. “Cheng if you don’t score 80 on the Chinese test I will tie you in the sea for squids to eat.” At the time I was so scared. Threatening, beatings, and other sorts of punishments come down to me as often as several times per week. These punishments completely changed my personality. I am no longer that confident, smiley, outgoing little boy any more. Instead, I start going the opposite way, thinking other people never like me, afraid to make the slightest mistake, and afraid to be criticized. Eventually, due to the way I resist all the pressure from parents, I closed my mind to ideas that are different then mine, and became very stubborn. These change in personality hurt me very hardly thereafter. Although I had very unpleasant experience with my dad, I guess it’s wouldn’t be fair to say that my childhood is completely dark. There’s a good side of my new life that is I finally had chance to live in a great neighborhood with a lot of kids at the same age or just a little younger then me. I made so many friends. ZhouZijin, LiMengxin, ChenZiqing, Xuli… just to name a few. As a group, we lit up fire pit in the middle of residents; dig trap holes on the huge send piles to trick smaller kids; we also united together to battle people from the residents’ council who tries to stop us from having fun. W had such a great time together. That neighborhood became part of my most precious memories. Few of these friends lasted throughout elementary school, and became my greatest support when I’m down. Whenever I’m beaten, punished or humiliated by my father, they are always there to look up on me, to smile at me, to make me feel warm, to make me not feel alone and helpless. If it hasn’t been them, my heart would have died a long time ago. In elementary school, I was not anywhere close to be a top student in the class, nor did I have many friends at school. There’re 35 kids in class, and my mark always rank around 15th despite all the extra work my father put me through. I’m also one of the naughtiest kids, my parents was called to school often for me playing dangerous toys (toy guns) and such. In elementary school my parents never give me a cent of allowance or buy me anything except for clothes. During school trips I would only be given enough food to eat. As a result I get increasingly jealous when I see other kids buying toys and snacks. Finally I started taking money out of my parents’ wallet. I was caught many times, each time beaten and kicked out. Elementary school is not a highlight of my life. However During this time I became a big fan of fighter jets. I set my career goal as being an aerospace engineer. Although this goal did not last past junior high school, it nevertheless has given me a strong foundation in physics, which is also thanked to my mechanical engineering professor dad. In elementary school I was able to comprehend many complex physics concepts such as the Bernoulli's principle of fluid dynamics, a concept to be learned in second year university physics. After grade 3, my dad, who expects me to study 24/7, never allowed me to play. The counter for that policy is to hide something interesting under the study book and pretend to study. This is when I start reading on fairytales, which played a strong role in my personality development. They are the source of my conservativeness and christianly set of morals. One particular story, translated to be titled Daughter of The Sea King (which is commonly called the little mermaid), had a very strong influence in my life. Although the little mermaid did not succeed, her willingness to endure and sacrifice has shown me the spectacular power of true love. It deeply touched my heart, and shaped my set of values and taste of beauty. The stories has also given me fascinations about the future, I always believed that one day, the stories I read in fairy tales will come true in my life. And I would have a spectacular wedding and live with my ideal her happily after. For that dream I have set many rules on my behavior so when the time comes, it would come in a fairytale fashion. In elementary school, I’m not particularly bright as I mentioned. However at the junior high school entrance exams I scored around 4th place in class, easily got in to one of the best junior high school in town. At the time I thought it was pure luck. Later on, I realized its real reason. It's because the approaching exam drawn out my true potential. Junior High school is even harsher than elementary school. I was surrounded by the brightest kids around, which made me look like an idiot. Parents are being called to school weekly for small problems like not finishing homework or talking in class without permission. Playing and even sports are considered as “irresponsible to your studies” and “a waste of time” by teachers and parents. After playing basketball after school, I always bad to wipe my sweat dry and wash my face before I go home, telling my parents that I was studying. Similar events made me become very good at lying. Later on I don’t even feel ashamed anymore. At the same time, I also became very rebellious. In junior high, I was the top gossiper in the class. I make fun of anyone for “facts” that I made up. Two girls sitting close to me were given nick names “classic old women” and “dehydrated old women”. My friend TaoYeqing was joked for her relationship with a guy who never exists. I never meant any harm, but my jokes never the less annoyed many people. Eventually during Grade 8, one person taught me a great lesson in my life. Her name is Quyu. One day when I was making jokes about her, it offended her so much that she started crying. I thus realized that jokes hurt. The next class there was a test but I left my pen at home. Quyu threw me a pen while she’s still in tears. This small movement made me in such shame. She has shown me the simple fact that the best way to convince others, is not by fighting verbally or physically. During grade 8, my grades went down a lot. It’s mainly because I was addicted to computer games. Failing marks began to appear on my transcript. At this rate I would never make it to a decent high school. However at this time, miracles happened again. Our family moved to Canada at the end of grade 8, marks before grade 12 is no longer important.
First year in North York
Initially we lived in North York, Toronto. Problem number 1? Poverty! We came as technical immigrants with pretty much no savings. Yet father didnt find a job until after a year. As new immigrant, Mother and Wenyi was eligible for link english school for free with free bus tickets. But they choose to walk 2 hours each day to save up the tickets for trips that are totally unwalkable. When we go grocery shopping, discount rack is constantly our target. Even so There's still once we bought "too much" that we couldnt pay for the 30 dollar weekly grocery. When we need anything other than food, it's always going to be from garage sale. When we saw peoplw walking out of sears with new cloth and eating a sub from subway... ahh so jealous back then. It's quite funny to think about those moments. Everytime I think about it, I become more appreciative toward what I have right now. I was enrolled in Highland Junior High school for Grade 9. I had terrible English; I had terrible marks in every subject except math; I had never played a Canadian sport such as hockey football or volleyball; and most importantly, I was very unconfident. I find myself an outcast all the time. My confidence went even lower. I soon became the target of school bullies. One day, after a guy set on my head and another guy showed his butt to me, my endurance finally reached the limit. Backed up by my mother, I challenge the guy to a fight which he did not accept. And he never dared to make insulting moves to me anymore. This incident made me realize the importance for a guy to be strong both physically and mentally. And that’s when I began my training in martial arts. Before in university, I never had a teacher. It gets very frustrating when I am stuck on a move. However, I never gave up trying. Later on, martial arts became my personal interest instead of a self-defense tool. Although I never needed it after grade 9, I kept on practicing. Now I can even break boards and perform some of the more advanced flying kicks.
In North York, the only friends I had were a small group of Chinese. They were from new immigrant families as well. Come to think of it, most of them are just playmates, not really friends. We mostly played computer games together and did some sports in the community center together as well. They helped a lot in passing the lonely times. However now I look at it, I was so dependant on my chinese friends that I ignored the bigger picture. i ignored the fact that I'm in a new country with new culture, customs and Language to be learnt. I rejected the diversity that Canada was offering me and I chose to stick with what I had instead.
Niagara Falls, My hometown
After a year of unpleasant memories in Toronto, I moved to Niagara Falls and started attending A. N. Myer Secondary School. As my English keeps improving, my marks start to move up swiftly. My average in grade 9 is 70; in grade 10 it moved up to 80. At the end of grade 11, my average finally gone over 90 and People started to consider me as a genius, which I know I’m not. In grade 11, I made some great friends. Mike, Callum, Derek, Wilkie, I love you guys. Thanks for the good times!! My friends played a very important role in my character development. They have partially restored my confidence. They have also influenced my view on things. On weekend nights, we usually hangout at someone’s house in a group, or go to movies and such recreational places together. I was also introduced to the concept of “party” where many people meets up at a house, drink and hang out. I love being with my friends, to a point that I sometimes annoy them with the phone calls about weekend plans. My friends arranged my best birthday party ever on the day I turned 18. More then a dozen people car pooled to the Mandarin restaurant around 50 miles from where we live. That night I once again experienced happiness, a wonderful feeling which I thought I have already forgotten. At Myer, I had several wonderful teachers. In grade 10, My English teacher Miss Murdoch has given my hope and light with her help in English class. My physics teacher Mr. Aitken has granted me the first perfect course grade in my life. My French teacher Madam Benson has kindly passed me. It was my second year of French learning but it’s the 7th year for most of my classmates. In my upper years, my math teacher Ms. Knight has kept me away from being too cocky and my communication technology teacher Mr. Liske has given me a solid introduction to web and graphics design. One day in my grade 11 law class, when a girl was expressing her views while there is a loud chitchatting noise, she suddenly speaks up, “Hey for people who are talking, I was being quiet when you are speaking so please be quiet for me as well!” I find the way she speaks up for herself to be very unique and attractive. I don’t know if that’s when I start liking her or did I start liking her earlier when we played shooting plastic band together. But that’s the time I realized how I feel. And that’s the time I start paying more attention on her, watch her, and finally… secretly fell in love. I was very shy, unconfident, and stubborn. These things mixing with my highly dogmatic culture background has made me a total idiot in front of her. My first love is very unsuccessful. She turned me down in every way. After being depressed for more then a year, I gained a lot of realizations and became more mature. The romantic fairytale dreams I once had as a boy were blown away like fallen leaves. Although I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s a kind of sad. Life goes on. The past, no matter good or bad, will always became my most precious memories. I will always hold on to the birthday present she gave me as evidence. Coming to Canada, my parents made many significant sacrifices. My father used to be a university professor back in China; In Canada he is only an engineer. My mother also went from a chartered accountant to a room cleaner, cashier and casino dealer. Due to these sacrifices, they have extremely high expectations in me. This is especially true for my dad. I was kicked out three times in winter for being caught playing online games in a public library and for not achieving desired grade in mark updates. These punishments, of course taught me nothing but hatred. Later on in grade 12, my father was not very understanding in my emotional state. After I got 95.5% percent average for my first semester, he said that it could be better and demanded an apology to the family from me “for filling your mind with things that you shouldn’t be thinking about.” I was punished to stand in the washroom until I agree to apologize. For the first time in many years, I felt the warmth of tears, tickling down my face and dropping down from my cheek to the bath room floor. For him, our tears mean nothing, our feeling mean nothing. All he cares about is how much we achieve, not and never how happy we are. Was I angry? Ashamed? Regret? No. I felt really sorry for what happened to me. I was sad. Not only that I was not successful in my first love, there was not even a tiniest bit understanding and warmth from the family. Although that’s the reaction I expected from them. I can never emotionally accept it. During the times when my vulnerabililties are brutally abused and violated, my unloved heart shattered, defendless against the coldness of the Canadian winter night, collapsed under the tremendous weight from my inner resentfulness and hatred, I cried out: Why am I getting these unfair treatments? Why does it always have to be me? What have I really done to deserve these? ... These conflicts between me and my father had opened some unrecoverable gap between us. Whitewashing Myself
My friends has demonstrated many great Canadian qualities in front of me. They are friendly, outgoing, open-minded, accepting, fun to be with and above all, they are very sincere, responsible and dependable. I've always been deeply envious toward my fellow buddies for growing up in such a beautiful and free country. Therefore when I was with them, I tried hard to observe and learn. After my grade 11 crash I became obsessed. I started trying extremely hard to whitewash myself, from the way I walk to the way I talk, act, and communicate with people. I even started forcing myself to develop similar hobbies, and listening to popular music. My efforts back then were quite extreme. But they pays out with good result. I'm much more Canadian comparing to immigrants who came around my age. It's something that I'm proud of now. Sure, at time I can still be quite fobby, But I dont consider myself a fob. To me, a fob is someone who is fobby and does not even make an effort to make friends with and explore people from other cultures. As long as I keep trying, I'm not a fob =)
University Life
At the end of grade 12, my average was way higher than admission line. However, I have made a very sudden decision on my admission choices, due to a very stupid reason. I rejected the software engineering admission, which I wanted for 4 years, and chose computer science instead. The University of Waterloo which I attend now has by far, the best computer science program in Canada. However, because of its reputation, people are forced to work like dogs to get decent marks. I do not like this place at all. I also find it very difficult to get along with people in the faculty of math. As a result I didn’t make a single friend in my first two terms. The only friend I had is a guy called Marc from a high school I attended. Together we had a great time hanging out, shopping and doing lots of others things. However the fun ended shortly when he dropped out after two terms. In my third term I made a new friend, Adam, through my Tea Kwon Do club. At the same time, I reestablished contacts with some of my old class mates from my junior high back in china. Most of my classmates are not my friends and I find myself speechless when talking to them. Only two of the people I found are those I wish to talk to. To one of them, QuYu, I owe an apology. She already forgot the reason I made her cry in grade 8. The other, TaoYeqing, is one of the few girls that I considered to be friend in my life. She has reminded me much of my good times in junior high, including a rather mean nickname she gave me called “big face”. Due to the influence of my roommate, I start watching anime. Anime has wasted a lot of time from me; however it also taught me many lessons. Each director has their own personal views that they convey through their series. The stories make their points much more convincing for a stubborn person like me. I began to open up my mind, and started accepting new ideas. Some of the series are especially helpful. One of them called “his and her circumstances” completely reflected me. I have thus realized that for the past few years, I was locking myself in a cage of pride and properness in order to maintain my saintly image and get other people’s respect. It is completely vanity and I’m giving way too much for it. From that point on I started or at least started trying to act more and more like myself. My difficult youth had some very negative influence on my personality. Not only that it took away a lot of confidence from me and put me in dismay for a very long time, it also added a whole lot of jealousy in me. I often wonder why it has to be me to be so unfortunate. As a result, I often feel very uncomfortable when other people are getting their well deserved happiness. Later on, things worsen. I started to turn off TVs when I see a child is being lovely hugged by his/her parents or a couple hugging and kissing. I feel an arrow poking my heart when I see other people getting what I do not have but really wanted. To correct that, I tried many things, and finally started to go to the church. I’m not a Christian yet, but I admire many people in the church. The way they devote themselves to God’s service, and they way the appreciate every little thing around them. May be after a while I would be like them? Hopefully, but who knows.
Life goes on, people keeps changing. Will I finally get close to the kind of person I wish to be? Will I live the kind of life I wish I live? Will I light up the fire in my heart once again? And will I find my soul mate… I wish, and I promise myself that I will try my best. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~January 2006~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
havent updated my biography for a LONG time so lets see what I can say about my life in the past 2 years. Humm lets try to answer the questions I had 2 years ago.
Q&A
-Will I finally get close to the kind of person I wish to be? so far, no! But I believe it's closer. -Will I live the kind of life I wish I live? so far, a big NO! -Will I light up the fire in my heart once again? The question's real meaning is, will I be able to feel so strongly toward someone every again. So the answer is, yes. Through the past 2 years I have realized that I have endless passion toward the one I deem important. It's just that I must learn to control it before getting myself hurt. I will always have great capability and generousity when it comes to love. I just need to choose someone who deserves and appreciates me. -Will I find my soulmate? in the past 2 years, i thought I did but it's clear that I'm mistaken. But by now it's clear that I will. As long as I keep believing, I will definiately be able to find my fairytale princess =) -I promised I will try my best. Did I? I did! I'm pleased with myself. Although I've always kept the promises I made toward others like they were the law, This is one of the few times that I kept a promise made toward myself. Need to keep up! University Life Continued So lets start by my interest in the church. Around 8 months after going to church, I stopped. There are several reasons behind this. A church official said something that left me angry and offended. At the same time I think my rebelious personality simply doesnt suit a church, which keeps on stressing obediance. I was also feeling increasing resentful for lacking a loving, or at least a healthy family. So I started doubting the existance of God and Jesus and eventurally stopped going there. Through second year I met another great friend named Ben while helping each other out with CS assignments. Eventually our joint interest in Warcraft III made us roommates. However, I lost a friend as well. Tao Yeqing was inviting me to visit her in NYC. I got very excited and curious about this reunion after 7 years. I started making travel plans and planning day offs. However, while finalizing plans with her, she repeatedly shifted the time slot around a lot of other things. So I felt quite stupid being so pumped up while she doesnt even want to put in any effort to make it happen. The friendship ended in a bitter arguing. Now to think of it, was a stupid thing I did. Maybe I should just put in more understanding and cancel the trip. During second year I also had a great time from a camping trip where I met some great people and made friend with Miyuki. A year with Kitty During my third year, I met a girl named Kitty from my Japanese class. Her residence is very close to my way home. After getting my bike stolen, I started walking home with her every time after Japanese Class. We talked about many subjects, movie, family, dreams and such. She seemed quite ordinary to me at first. She's quiet, short, slightly above average looking with a somewhat fobby hairstyle and a name that raised my eyebrows. She has a parttime job but still lived conservatively. She's normally tired but her face is bright and vibrant when she smiles. i enjoyed her company. However, this state of friendship didnt last long. It happend one day when she came to class looking tired as usual. I accidentally caught a glimpse at her hands. comparing to an normal girl at our age, her hands were quite coarse despite her effort of applying hand gel regularly. I realized it's due to her work. I really admired that. She had a loving, dependant and supportive family. Yet she made a choice to not create extra burdens for them. I was touched by her caring for her loved ones and her willingness to strive. I suddenly felt I want to have her in my life, all to myself. By the time I looked at her again, I had a strong urge to hold her hands in mine and tell her how I felt. I can’t write much about what happened. Because I am not really sure what went wrong and why things turned out the way they are. I still have my feelings for her remain and cannot see the entire thing clearly. I will write about this in a separate note. Maybe in the future I’d have a different and more correct perspective. To make it short, it took me a year to tell her how I felt and she LJBF-ed me right away. Around 2 month later, I returned from New York to waterloo to give her a surprise for her convocation. I imagined she would be so happy to see me and everything… But I returned only to find her there with her new boyfriend. When they were holding hands in front of me, an overwhelming emptiness, resentfulness and jealousy drove my mind into near insanity. I felt my heart been torn into pieces and ready to be puked out with a strong feeling of nausea. Soon after that, I told her the fact that I can’t pretend to be her friend anymore. -------to be continued with i have time---------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~july 21st, 2008~~~~~~~~~~
8月28日 New goals1. finish my work report b4 friday morning :'(
2. Learn to think b4 saying stuff because sometimes words may hurt.
3. Go back to church to worship every week...
4. Pray everyday? at least try to.
5. Learn to be more caring.
(^_^) 7月12日 thoughtsKeeping faith is getting increasingly difficult as I look at my sorrow past. If there's someone so mercy and powerful watching over me from above, why would those things happen. Can someone tell me? trying to believe they all happen for a reason, for a brighter future... but whats the point of a brighter mid age if the golden youth is buried in pain and shadows. It has left me with no memories, made me become a big lier toward myself... how pitiful! Even now, I see nothing in my future except an abondant bank account at the ridiculous price of precious childhood memories... And that's not what I want. Should I continue to lie toward myself by telling me that everything will be fine? 6月29日 new jobSpent a lot of time and effort, finally got a developer job. However the first day they told me that I will need to do 2 weeks of testing. and now it's gonna be even more than that... I'm so unfortunate. damn this stupid company. Curse the stupid president. 4月6日 DreamsMany people spend their life trying to reach their dreams. Although they never reach it at the end, they die happy because they believe that they are getting closer each day. However, it is really happiness? I think not. It is simply human hardheadness. They are too weak in admiting the truth. They are running away from the fact that dreams are not supposed to come true.
Many people think highly of people who are pursuing their dreams. Pethatic! Dreams, are created by the human emotion of sorrow and disatisfaction toward the reality. Their existance is against reality. Therefore it's only nature that they can never become reality. Many dreams would sooner or later be broken for obvious reasons. Those who believe in fairy tales would soon realize that where's the "tale" when there's no "fairy". However, more people are still deceived by their own weakness because it's less obvious that their dreams are impossible. Their are even some people who claimed that they realized their dream. Oh I pity the fool. Those people are just standing on a tall building, refusing to look under their feet, claiming and believing that they are flying.
There was a quote says "life is a process of turning dreams into goals, and turning goals into reality." I don't know who said that. But whoever it is, for me to know his words, he must be pretty famous and successful in the eyes of ordinary man. However even such a person only described life as a "process". Indeed! Life can only be a process. Life is never about enjoying the "dream come true" for obvious reasons. Indeed! How can you go to heaven if you don't die first?! |
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